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Guest Column – We Are Scientists Vs We Are Scientists: A band-on-band interview

Guest Column – We Are Scientists Vs We Are Scientists: A band-on-band interview
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We Are Scientists have just released their new album Helter Seltzer. To celebrate, the band’s Chris Cain and Keith Murray volunteered to ask themselves the questions no one else would dare bring up…

Keith Murray: All right. Chris Cain, what is your temperature, right now, with Helter Seltzer finally dropping?

Chris Cain: Medium rare!

KM: Medium rare? I don’t think that’s the temperature of… is it your understanding that when a steak is prepared “medium rare” that that’s the temperature it was at, when it left the kitchen?

CC: Well, I’ll tell you this: that’s not always the way a chef would measure done-ness, but you can use a thermometer, and there are different degrees affiliated with done-ness, at the center of the steak – rare, medium-rare.

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KM: So, you think that a rare steak and a well-done steak were cooked for the same amount of time, just on different levels of heat?

CC: No, I think it requires more cooking, time-wise, in order to get a steak further done.

KM: To get its core heat up?

CC: Yeah, but it’s basically… I think core temperature of a steak at “medium-rare” is 165 degrees [Fahrenheit], and then it gets higher for more done-ness and lower, for less time.

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KM: Okay.

CC: And I’m running at about 165 degrees, right now – feverish!

KM: What would you say that the core temperature of Helter Seltzer is?

CC: It’s difficult. Now that I’ve established this metaphor, it’s tough to answer because a higher temperature also implies a lousier steak, but it’s a very hot album.

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KM: You want it to be high.

CC: Yeah, but that’s a terrible steak.

KM: I’d say, though, that, by any use of the phrase, this album is very “well-done”.

CC: Yes, that’s fair. That’s fair, in all the positive and negative connotations. What do you reckon? I’m trying to come up with a typical “dumb journalism” question. If this album were X and then I’m supposed to ask you to use a metaphor, an inappropriate metaphor to describe the album. So, like, “If Helter Selzter were a piece of furniture…

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KM: Oh, yeah…

CC: Or any kind of addition you might make to your home – it doesn’t have to be furniture, it can be an appliance, it can be a hot tub maybe?

KM: I was going to say “a sex swing.”

CC: A sex swing, notably, has a very specific purpose, and is not good for much else.

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KM: Much like an album.

CC: That’s true. You can listen to it, and not much else.

KM: I guess there are many items, though, that are only good for their own purpose, like a candle or a blender. A blender is only good for blending – different levels of blending is as varietal as your gonna get. Some blenders are better than others, though, and this album would be one of the better sex swings. As Donald Trump might say, this would be a “terrific” sex swing.

CC: “A terrific sex swing of an album.” I heard Donald Trump say that of Helter Seltzer.

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KM: Wow!

CC: Yeah, that’s second-hand, so you can print that. I heard him say that, the other day. You can print that.

KM: Can you get in trouble if we print that?

CC: Maybe. I don’t know.

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KM: But I and Q are free and clear.

CC: I would probably just try to muddy the issue by claiming that I never said that, and you could say that you could produce the recording of the interview, but then you’d delete it.

KM: Right. Q will retract it, we’ll apologize, and then we’ll all just kind of bask in the media frenzy. The media will have a field day with this.

CC: They’ll have a field day and they’ll have a media blackout. Both.

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KM: Well, so then we’ll get a lot of coverage on that, probably. When media comes back on…

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CC: That’s the irony of a media blackout, is that it gets a lot of coverage. It creates a firestorm in the media, so it inevitably backfires. You never see that in the Michael Mann films, anymore. He used to acknowledge that. What’s your favorite Michael Mann film?

KM: Oh, boy. Well, to give it a crappy journalistic spin: Which Michael Mann movie would Helter Seltzer be the soundtrack to? The answer is obvious: Manhunter. Shoot, I guess it could soundtrack Miami Vice, too. Those are my two answers. Hmm. This could soundtrack Heat, too.

CC: I think Moby actually did the soundtrack to Heat, right?

KM: [disappointed] Awww.

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CC: Yeah, but our UK label, 100 per-cent, also puts out Moby.

KM: So they have an in?

CC: So, they have an in, yeah. We might be able to do Michael Mann’s next film, or get him to re-release Miami Vice with our soundtrack, instead of Linkin Park, or whatever.

KM: What level of humiliation do you think he would feel when our version got rave reviews? Or, I guess, what level of humiliation do you think Linkin Park would feel, if they are, in fact, responsible for that soundtrack?

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CC: I don’t know if they are responsible for that soundtrack, but I do very specifically remember that they have the first big song in the movie, that song that’s like [sings song that Keith is sure he’s never heard] playing in the club that the cops raid, early on in the movie.

KM: Yeah, I’m sure. That does seem like Michael Mann’s level of modern cultural understanding . . . what he thinks the cool, clubbing kids would be into.

CC: It was a really uninspired choice.

KM: Like Linkin Park themselves, that choice seemed quite tone-deaf?

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CC: Yeah, maybe that was his point. Maybe he was making a little joke.

KM: A little meta-joke.

CC: He’s not so serious that he can’t make a joke at his own expense and at his film’s expense. I like that.

KM: He can be whimsical.

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CC: So, we’re about to start a months-long tour cycle, here. What are your survival tips for the bus? No, just kidding.

KM: If we’re being real, here, though, with that poor journalistic question, we do have one item that we can’t go on a bus tour without, and that is [the video game] Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six: Vegas Two. We’ve been talking about this video game for almost ten years now.

CC: Proselytising.

KM: I think it came out in 2008, maybe, and since then, we’ve probably bought half of the existing copies of it, over the years.

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CC: We’ve quietly bought up half the world’s supply, and now that it’s too late for anybody to do anything about it, we’re going public. You’re wondering where all the copies went? We’ve got them.

KM: Well, now that Xbox has moved on [from Xbox 360 to Xbox One] and that game is totally obsolete, we can come out and admit it.

CC: And, presumably, they can’t make any more copies of it. They’ve destroyed the machinery.

KM: We can’t be accused of hoarding a valuable item. Now, we’re just hoarding garbage.

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CC: Now, we’re doing a service. A valuable service. Injecting money into the economy for almost no return.

KM: We could be charging the city of New York for operating a dump, but I guess we’re doing so without a license, so let’s be quiet about this.

CC: Yeah, let’s not go after that tax break.

KM: We might need it, though, after the success of Heltzer Seltzer sends us skyrocketing up a few tax brackets.

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CC: A pleasantly chilling thought!

For more head to head to Wearescientists.com.


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