Eurovision 2024: Your Complete and Utter Guide to the Best and (Mostly) Worst of This Year’s Runners and Riders (Plus the Disqualified Entry)

With no fewer than 26 songs contesting the live final on Saturday May 11, this year’s Eurovision Song Contest promises to be the biggest, campest, and possibly downright weirdest yet. It also presents us with a veritable smorgasbord of questions. Will last year’s strong showing for the United Kingdom mean that the rest of Europe has forgiven us for, well, *gestures at everything*? Will recent calls for boycotts tarnish the otherwise celebratory atmosphere in Sweden? Will ABBA surprise everyone with a half-time reunion (answer – no)?

And, perhaps most pertinently, will there actually be any good songs for once?

With all that in mind, we’ve put together a complete guide to this year’s carnival of Eurocamp. After two semi-finals, plus the automatic inclusion of the so-called “Big Five” of the U.K., Germany, Italy, France and Spain, as well as host-nation Sweden, 37 hopefuls have been whittled down to 26 finalists… and, believe it or not, we’ve listened to them all.

The bookies’ favorite is Croatia’s Baby Lasagne; we rather like Ireland’s witchy-woo Bambie Thug… And whatever else you think of the whole business, at least give us a little credit for actually sitting through every one of these songs to present the following guide ahead of the contest, alright?

UPDATE: Following the original publication of this article, Joost Klein, representing the Netherlands, has been disqualified from the final. But you can still read our thoughts on his erstwhile entry anyway.

Home nation hopefuls Marcus and Martinus are actually from Norway, but whatever. Pretty looks and a high-concept staging should see them do well. And props to us for avoiding the inevitable unforgettable/forgettable joke.

Another of the big hitters with the bookies (and not just because of international geopolitics), this slow, anthemic stomper is actually pretty moving, given, well, international geopolitics. There’s an odd rap bit in the middle by someone dressed as Gandalf though, which may ruin it for some.

Amusingly, Germany seems to have replaced the U.K. as the least-popular nation in the contest, with two wooden spoons in the last two years – and nothing about this pretty dreary number is likely to radically change that. Nichten pointen, as they say in the backstreets of Baden-Baden.

Luxembourg haven’t done Eurovision for 31 years, and if it’s not clear why they’ve decided to return now, they’ve done so with a song that while being perfectly acceptable – and more than a little bit Shakira – is unlikely to see the Grand Duchy hosting next year.

If you’re a betting person, this would be a very smart punt. Combining a “lovably”-quirky singer, a mad comedy rap, a man dressed as a blue chicken on the keyboards and a chorus of remarkable silliness, it transcends mere definitions of “bad” to ascend to a place of near-brilliance. There’s even a ridiculous message imploring world peace and goodwill to all mankind at the end. Seriously, this could win, and I rather hope it does.

UPDATE - JOOST KLEIN HAS NOW BEEN DISQUALIFIED FROM THE CONTEST. FULL DETAILS HERE.

Careful now. After several rewrites and a whole lotta controversy, Israel have made it to the final – albeit with a smattering of boos in their semi. Which is a shame, because Eden can certainly sing. Obviously it won’t win but frankly Israel could have wheeled out a Taylor-Beyonce-Madonna triple act and still wouldn’t have stood a chance.

Not picked up by the bookies at the time of writing, this bass-heavy dance stomper could well be a dark horse on the night. Our only criticism is that after threatening to go full-on strobed-up late-90’s let’s-have-it rave towards the end, it just sort of… peters out.

Already a hit in Spain, this old-school slice of Euro-dance is exactly the sort of thing you love on holiday and wonder what the hell you were thinking of when you get back home again. If the husband-and-wife pairing look a little long in the tooth for all this nonsense, the backing dancers alone will make it a crowd favorite on the night.

Good lord. The only thing to be said about this trying-to-be-LMFAO-and-failing-embarrassingly claptrap is that if you reply “Bless you” every time anyone says the song title it makes for a pretty good Dad-joke.

Remember that episode of Father Ted where Ireland deliberately try to lose Eurovision by entering the Craggy Island priests’ song “My Lovely Horse”? Well… this fantastically mad goth entry may initially give off the same vibes, but ends up being so wildly and brilliantly inappropriate it could end up actually winning. Let’s hope so, at least.

Not overly fancied by the bookies, Dons (though there’s only one of him) delivers an impassioned, perfectly acceptable ballad that’s not exactly awful, but is also pretty bog-standard, tbh. Groovy blue body-armor though.

Ooh, another “traditional” song given a “modern” reinterpretation. Whoever comes up with these ideas? Marina certainly has a unique vocal style, and there’s the requisite amount of “Da Da Da” going on, plus what appear to be a troupe of buff Hellenic Morris Dancers… and, actually, it’s a bit of a grower. Could be a sneaky contender.

Thanks to his tenure as frontman for Years & Years, Olly is at least a proper pop star… but sadly for him (and us, I guess) “Dizzy” isn’t quite the disco banger it wants to be, and despite what will doubtless be a no-holds-barred performance, will do well to finish on the left-hand side of the leaderboard.

Woah. Someone didn’t get the memo. The Norwegians have decided to try their luck with emo rock, and, y’know, fair play to them and all, but it’s neither good enough nor over-the-top-enough to win many votes with the viewing public. Also, it’s emo rock.

The bookies rate this one – and one rather suspects the dads will too. That said, the girl can certainly sing, and once the song kicks in it’s actually (whisper it) a bit of a banger.

Sorry, we fell asleep while this one was still getting going, but we’re told it has a big ending, so to speak. Perhaps a good opportunity to get yourself another drink.

First things first. Windows 95 Man is by far and away the best name for a singer we’ve heard in a long, long, lonely time. That said… the song’s absolute pony, but will doubtless score well for amusement value. Plus if the semi (final) is anything to go by, there’s a fella running around with his, ahem, little fella out. I mean, really, there’s children watching.

Portugal appears to be going for something approaching, ahem, “art” with their staging here, but the song itself – an entirely forgettable ballad which Google tells me translates as “shout” – is frankly never going to come anywhere near winning public votes. Sorry, Iolanda. Nice trousers, though.

What’s that you say? More high energy folk? Oh go on then. This is actually pretty good fun, thanks mostly to the inclusion of a trumpet, a recorder, and what may be a balalaika but don’t quote me on that. And she’s not trying to be overly funny or overly sincere, which is always a bonus.

Young Silia is only 17, which some of you may do well to bear in mind. The song is another Shakira-lite pop-rock number with a big chorus, and makes for perfectly acceptable Eurovision fodder, with an actually-pretty-cool breakdown in the middle.

Another big one with the bookies, and it’s immediately easy to see why. Captain Nemo’s got bags of charisma, and a fantastically-overblown vocal style that careers wildly between pop, rap, opera and rock, all while getting acrobatic on a big spinning disc in an orange skirt and silly shoes. Perfect Eurovision stuff, in other words.

This operatic number starts slow, goes all epic for a bit, forgets to have a proper melody somewhere in the middle, and ends with Raiven wailing her little heart out about something or another. Plenty of writhing dancers in flesh-colored bodysuits, though, if that’s your bag.

This firm pre-show favorite is pure Eurovision – theatrical, slightly weird, and with an incredibly infectious/annoying chorus. It’s part-dance, part-rock, probably quite rubbish when you consider it objectively, but on the night and after a few drinks, you may well love it.

Look, just because you’ve had a drink, it doesn’t mean there’s anything funny about the name “Nutsa”. Grow up, for goodness sake. That said, there’s nothing especially remarkable about Nutsa’s song either, apart from the fact I kept wanting to shout, "Throw the ring into Mount Doom, Master Frodo!"

This is excellently French: a big, soaring ballad with properly dramatic vocals sung by a seriously cool looking dude. Worth holding out till the end when he really goes for it. The juries (and grandmothers) will swoon.

Do you remember 2 Unlimited and their whole “There’s No Limits” / “Techno techno techno techno” codswallop? This is that, basically. Some fools will love it. Some fools are wrong.